And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
