dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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