capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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