I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
