i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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