hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
