I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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