Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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