you guys were way drunker than both of me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
