you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
