talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
