i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
