I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
