i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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