Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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