help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
