I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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