Will you blow on my dice?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
