He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
