I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
