did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
