Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
We smell like vodka and hangover
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