Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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