your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
