Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
