Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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