I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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