Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Im part way to drunk.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
