some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
OPIZZABONMYDICK
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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