Your mouth is God's brothel.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
