I'm so fucking centered right now
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
