I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your penis caused this!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
