I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
