new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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