I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
