Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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