i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
