No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
