What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
