There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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