she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
