My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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