i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
