i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
