i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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