dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
