I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
