recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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