It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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