what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
